i know i haven't been around, haven't been blogging.
there are really alot of things i haven't been doing/ trying to avoid/ not wanting to deal with.
i know i have escapist tendencies and it isn't always easy to deal with things that have been there for a long time. it always seems easier to just avoid it/ ignore it/ not to do anything.

everybody has a breaking point.

this is mine.

i just feel like i have so much to say, but its just not possible to say everything in one go and i'm not sure where to begin, but you always begin at the begining.

i remember falling in love with sometime in the third year of secondary school. i mean, i seriously liked her for the longest time but had no guts, pretty much, to do anything about it. but as how all love stories go, things happened. we fell in love, got attached, stayed happy for a long period of time.

Then she left. of course before she did there was this whole period of time where there was a void, this space, period in time where we didn't talk about leaving and tried our best to ignore it. i suppose that was where it began, this tendency to runaway from things. to hide out till it blew over. i would describe the period after she left till now exactly the same way.

many people cared about me and many people told me to stop setting myself up to get hurt. i knew they were right but its never easy when the person you love and miss for the longest time comes back. it just complicates things and you can't just be friends out of the blue.
i wasn't able to do it.

i know i could have saved myself the trouble and walked away when everybody was saying walk away but it wouldn't have been in my own terms. i'm walking away now, not fully knowing how things will be from now onwards, if you'll still talk to me or whatever it is.

but i know this.
if i don't walk away now, i'll destroy whatever we've have left.
we've been holding each other back for too long.

and i'm ready to let us go.